


and Love

by starlightwalking



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic, Aromantic Awareness Week, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Memory Loss, Canonical Character Death, Demiromantic Magnus Burnsides, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, Non-Linear Narrative, Queerplatonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 08:52:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17936675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightwalking/pseuds/starlightwalking
Summary: Magnus realizes he's aro. Then he forgets. But through it all, one thing is constant: Magnus is a man made for love.





	and Love

**Author's Note:**

> happy arospec awareness week!!! ....okay this is a few days late, but still!! you can never celebrate being aro too much :) I wrote about [aro!mango last year too](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13731390), so it feels real good to come back to my Boy!
> 
> this fic is simultaneously the angstiest and the fluffiest thing i've ever written?? the first two sections are like, GUT-WRENCHING, i cried several times while writing it, but the ending is so fucking sappy. IT ENDS HAPPILY, Y'ALL.  
> featuring: queerplatonic Magnus + Lucretia, bittersweet Magnulia, canon character death, and so much fucking angst (I blame my roommate for telling me to go ALL THE WAY with the angst, lol). I don't know if I really think this is how it went for Magnus & his aromanticism, but oooh it was very fun and interesting to explore this possibility :)
> 
> Thanks to Buffintruder, my wonderful Beta/bff/qpp/all around amazing person!!! <3
> 
> One last note: I wrote this fic in chronological order, starting with the Stolen Century then into Raven's Roost/BOB adventures, and then post Story & Song. I moved the parts around to fit the canon structure of the BOB parts coming before the Stolen Century, just because it's angstier that way... I kept the labels for each part, though, so that's why it's not "in order". also, there are some callbacks in Part II to Part I, but Magnus doesn't know that, and neither does the reader (yet) :))) just some fun easter eggs for you~

**Part II**

His name is Magnus Burnsides. He's been wandering for...a while, now, but he's here in Raven's Roost now. He got a deal on a month's rent in an inn in the craftsmen's district, and he knows how to carve wooden ducks. He'd like to know how to carve more.

* * *

In two weeks he's a carpenter's apprentice. Steven Waxman is an expert in his field and puts Magnus to work immediately. It's much harder than whittling ducks, but he enjoys the challenge. He loves to learn, and his new craft fills the restless part of his heart somewhat, but only somewhat. Magnus likes Raven's Roost, but after a month he's starting to wonder if it's time to move on.

Then Steven's daughter returns from her visit to Neverwinter, and everything changes.

* * *

Magnus stammers the first time he meets Julia, but that's just because she's beautiful. Beauty isn't love, but it's sure something.

She helps out in the shop with him and Steven, teasing Magnus for his mistakes until he's good enough to tease back. That's when she starts to look at him with a sparkle in her eye.

"I was wondering when you'd catch on," she says. "Looks like you're not hopeless after all." Later, she says that's when she fell.

Magnus would say he was in love from the start, but that's not quite true. He's never been the most romantic fellow, and his new sweetheart doesn't change that. She's a friend, a coworker, a companion. When the rebellion against Kalen begins, she's a comrade-in-arms.

The first time he realizes he's in love is in the aftermath of their first victory. Kalen's forces are temporarily defeated, and Julia leads their makeshift militia in celebratory song. Magnus is cleaning his wounds from the sidelines when she catches his eye, and he knows.

They've been seeing each other for a while now. It was all casual, just some fun between friends, but when Magnus takes her hand as they wander back to their hideout that night, his heart pounds like crazy. This is unlike anything he'd felt before, and he marvels on how shallow his past relationships have been.

This feeling, it's out of place in his body. It's like an invasive species in an isolated environment, snaking through his insides and choking his heart, consuming him. But it's not—it's not a bad thing, and that surprises him more than anything, though he doesn't know why.

Julia kisses him, and he's dizzy afterward, beaming as he presses his forehead against hers and holding her tight. She laughs and asks, "What is it, Mags?"

Magnus can't help himself. He kisses her again, sweet and slow and serious, and this time she feels the change too. She's breathing hard when they break apart, wonder in her eyes.

"I think I love you," he murmurs, and for a moment Julia just stares.

"I was wondering when you'd say that," she whispers. "Part of me worried you wouldn't."

"I guess I just realized," he says. "Sorry it took so long."

* * *

Kalen is routed, and Julia is resplendent. She snaps his scepter over her knee and declares Raven's Roost free, and Magnus thinks he could burst with pride. After the celebrations conclude, he sweeps her off her feet and carries her all the way home.

"I can walk, Magnus!" she protests through her laughter.

"You saved the city, you deserve a break," he says firmly.

" _You_  saved the city, too—"

He kisses her fiercely, shutting her up. His heart is so light he thinks he could fly away, even with the love of his life in his arms. They fall into bed together, and Magnus has never been happier. Nothing could possibly go wrong, not after tonight.

She's curled up around him the next morning, and Magnus knows he never wants to have a morning without her again.

"Marry me?" he mumbles as she kisses his forehead sleepily. "Love you so much, Jules."

"Mm, yeah," she agrees softly. "Was wondering when you'd ask."

* * *

They're married a month later. It's the best day of Magnus's life, except for all the ones he'd spent with Julia before and all the ones he'd spend with her in the future.

He looks back on their past and can barely believe there was a time he wasn't in love with her. It had felt so strange then, when now it's more natural than breathing.

He's so glad he's going to spend the rest of his life with her.

* * *

Magnus knows there's something wrong as soon as he sees the first body on the road to Raven's Roost. He stops, his hand on his belt knife in case there's danger still around, and kneels beside the dead man. Old blood stains the ground around his body; it looks like he'd bled out from a gash in his side.

Magnus flips the body over, and drops him back down in shock. He knows this man. It's one of Kalen's cronies, a man who followed him even after Kalen slunk out of town with his tail between his legs. What was he doing here, dead in the road?

Magnus draws his knife as he slowly continues on his way home. Less than a mile later, he finds another dead body—another one of Kalen's soldiers. This one is missing a leg. He'd bled out, too.

He finds two more bodies before he sees the smoke in the distance. Dread and fear have been building in his gut since he encountered the first dead soldier, but now it explodes into the rest of his body. He's oblivious to his surroundings as he races along the road uphill, desperate for a sight at Raven's Roost over the rise. Desperate for his fears to be allayed.

He can't stop moving, not even once he sees the destruction before him. Two columns have fallen, and even in his numb state he recognizes that the craftsman's district was one of them. The city is smoldering, fires still burning somewhere in the remains of his home.

Magnus is making all kinds of leaps of logic, fearing the worst, but he refuses to acknowledge anything until he knows for  _sure_. She could've been out in the countryside, or in another part of the city, she could be safe, she could be rallying the survivors, she could be, she could be—

He stumbles through the remains of the city he'd once called home, unable to process what's happened. It was Kalen, he knows it was Kalen, but he doesn't know  _why_  or  _how_ —

"Magnus." There's a voice behind him, cracking with grief. It's a man's voice, and Magnus whirls around with wild hope—Steven?

But it's not. "Magnus," rasps Nolan, a cobbler from the other side of town. "I knew you'd come back."

"Where is she." It's not a question. It's a demand.

Nolan sighs. He doesn't meet Magnus's eyes. "Come with me, lad. There's a few of us still here."

Magnus doesn't remember walking over to him, but suddenly he's holding Nolan up by the collar of his shirt and growling, "Where. Is. She."

"Julia's dead," Nolan chokes out. "Magnus, I'm sorry—"

He drops Nolan, and the rest of his words are lost as Magnus stares into the distance, his entire world shattered.

He lets Nolan lead him to the edge of the city, where a handful of haggard faces greet him. He barely hears as they murmur their condolences. He collapses on the ground.

"Kalen came back two days after you left," Nolan says after handing him a bowl of soup. Magnus stares into the bowl, listlessly stirring it with his spoon. "It was the middle of the night. He blew up two of the towers. It was chaos. Seventy-odd folks died, most of them right away. Everyone lucky enough to be spared fled. Those who had family gone, or homes destroyed... Some of them stuck around long enough for the burials. Long enough to gather what was left. But it was dangerous—fire everywhere. Some piles of rubble are still burning."

"I saw. Bodies." Magnus is surprised to hear his own voice. "Kalen's men."

"I don't think Kalen anticipated the scope of the destruction," Nolan says. He's tired. So, so tired. "Some of his men didn't get away fast enough. They died, or got hurt. I imagine he left them to bleed out if they were slowing him down in his retreat."

"Did you..." Mount a counterattack? Chase Kalen down? Of course they hadn't. "Did you find..."

"Her body?" Nolan bows his head. "We..." He pauses. "Yes." Magnus isn't sure if he's telling the truth. He doesn't ask again. "She...she died quickly. I think Kalen was targeting you and her. He just didn't realize you weren't there."

"Can I...see?"

"We buried her," Nolan says quickly. "Steven, too. They're with each other. I can take you to their graves."

"Yeah. Yeah. I...Yeah." Magnus starts to sip at the soup. It's gone cold. He barely notices. "Why are you still..."

"I knew you were coming back," Nolan says with a shrug. "I thought...Well, you saved my life, back in that final battle against Kalen. The least I could do was tell you what happened. And the others, well. My family is waiting for me, and there's some people who can't bear to leave even still. We're planning on heading for Neverwinter. Throw ourselves on Lord Artemis Sterling's mercy. You're more than welcome to join us."

Magnus shakes his head. "No," he growls.

"Are you sure?" Nolan asks. "Where else...?"

"I'm going to find him," Magnus rumbles. "I'm going to find Kalen, and I'm going to do what I should've done the first time we kicked his ass. I'm gonna kill him."

* * *

He leaves flowers on her grave. He visits all the graves, but hers and Steven's he stays at the longest. He doesn't say anything—he can't. Nolan leaves him some space, promising to come back later, but after he's gone, Magnus knows he's never going to see that man again. He can't bear anymore goodbyes.

When he's finally ready to leave, he pauses. He reaches into his pack and pulls out what he'd been working on in the evenings on his journey home: a half-finished wooden duck. It doesn't have much of a butt, but it's got a cartoony smile on its face.

"Love you, Jules," he manages to choke out, and he places the half-a-duck beside the flowers.

He will never fall in love again.

* * *

His hunt for Kalen is fruitless. The mad governor has faded into nothingness. There aren't even rumors. Magnus would be better off chasing clouds.

He looks everywhere. He keeps to himself at first, but slowly he starts to reintegrate back into society. He befriends merchants, outfitting himself for what he tells other people is "adventuring." He doesn't stick in one place for too long, but he lets himself talk. He lets himself smile. He's surprised when he lets himself laugh for the first time.

He's healing. It's shocking, at first, but he doesn't resist it. It's not what Julia would have wanted.

The first job he takes is an accident. There's a thief in a small town, and after seeing the aftermath of one of their heists, Magnus decides he's not going to let this bully get away with anything else.

When he catches the thief, the town is so grateful they pay him a sum of gold. Magnus is so surprised that he tries to give it back. They insist, and he's not stupid enough to turn it down a second time. He does need money for food and lodging whenever he stops at an inn.

He starts picking up odd jobs like that. His search for Kalen has gone cold, and it's gratifying to help people. Magnus gets a bit back into his old hustle and bustle, and it's almost weird how normal it feels to be a transient soul. Adventuring comes so naturally he wonders if he'd done this in some past life.

The jobs get bigger, more convoluted. He kills a dragon terrorizing a village—a small one, but still! He teams up with other adventurers from time to time, when the task is harder. He likes this.

Magnus is always the most headstrong, the most rash. He rushes in before anyone, always acting on impulse. If part of him realizes it's because he's hoping to get killed that way, well. He doesn't think about too much. He's not seeking out death, but he wouldn't mind it, either.

And then, one day, he catches wind of some dwarf and a man in blue jeans swearing up and down that they've got the best job in the world. "The last job you'll ever need to take," says the sign, and Magnus thinks, What the hell? Why not? He'll wind up rich or dead at the end of it, and he's not too fussed either way.

* * *

Merle and Taako are absolute idiots, but they're  _his_  kind of idiots. Magnus even gets along with Barry Bluejeans, a man who's way too normal-looking to have a name like that. Even after just one night of knowing these guys, Magnus feels right at home. However else it turns out, this adventure is going to be  _fun_.

* * *

When Phandalin turns to glass, Magnus is hauntingly reminded of Raven's Roost. Another city he couldn't save. But he's still got Merle and Taako and...whoever Killian is supposed to be.

It's when they start flying into the moon that he realizes, This is insane. And at the same time, he's happier than he's been since Julia.

Of course he joins the Bureau of Balance. The Director is the most competent person he's ever met, and this kind of secret society shit is  _fucking awesome._  And once he learns about the Relics and the Red Robes, he knows that there's no way can turn away from his responsibility as a Reclaimer. He's not the kind of man who turns his back on a world in need.

* * *

When they meet the Red Robe for the first time, in Goldcliff after the race, it's loneliness that his mind turns to first when he thinks of fear.

 **Are you afraid of the dark?**  it asks, and Magnus is glad his friends are there to take the edge off the creepiness factor.

 **Are you afraid?**  it repeats again, and this time Magnus can tell they're all becoming uneasy.

"No," Taako blusters, but Magnus's mind can't help but qualify that statement.

"I mean, sometimes," he muses, and Taako jumps in with, "Yeah, I think we all are, it's only natural—"

"Y'know, you get lonely and you're like 'what if I never meet the right person,'" Magnus says earnestly, "and oof, there's a lot to worry about. You know what I mean?"

That's a little more than he meant to say, but it's all in the moment and he doesn't think much of it until later. The Red Robe is right when it says,  **You do not know how to be afraid.** He doesn't have any idea of the depth of the things he's supposed to fear.

But fuck that. Because Magnus has earned this reprieve, this break from fear and despair. He hadn't thought of happiness after losing Julia, and even when he yearns for another connection like that, the kind that he knows in his heart of hearts is beyond his reach and beyond his capability for love even if he can't put a finger on  _why_ —

Even after all that pain, he's found something to bring him joy. Taako and Merle are like the family he didn't know he had, so  _fuck_  this Red Robe telling him to be afraid.

* * *

Magnus can only keep those creeping fears at bay for so long. Everything with Kravitz and the portal to the Astral Plane—Lucas's desperate attempts to bring his mother back from death... It's too fucking much. Magnus is shaken. Even after Kravitz exonerates them of their death crimes, part of Magnus wants to go with him anyway, if only to see Julia again. Kravitz agreeing to send his love to Julia, that keeps him going. He knows what she'd want him to do, and he's going to fucking do it.

It doesn't stop him from thinking about her every night. He always wears his wedding ring on a chain around his neck, but he finds his hand drifting to hold it more often than he had been.

* * *

The cup. Refuge. June.

_Julia._

Seeing her again—

It  _wrecks_ him, in a way he wasn't prepared for. Her face, her voice—he can  _smell_  her. He's in pieces, watching this.

And June. Standing there, serene, the chalice in her hands. She's offering him everything he's wanted since the day he came home. What kind of monster would make a cup like this? Who would want the ability to tempt someone like this? Magnus wants the Red Robe they've met twice now to show up again, just so he can deck the guy.

But it's June's face that brings him back to solid ground. That face belongs to a child with her life ahead of her. He and Julia had talked about having kids, had thought about adopting... Magnus had wanted a kid of his own blood, but with him being trans it wasn't likely. Julia had wanted to give a child a second chance at family, and he'd realized that was even more beautiful.

In June's eyes he sees all that again. He sees her future, and her family, and he thinks of the family he's had. He'd been a lonely kid—his family was distant, and he split from them as a youth—if someone had been there for him as he learned to navigate the world, maybe he would've been in better shape before coming to Raven's Roost.

Steven was like a father to him. Julia was the best thing that ever happened to him, and despite his loss, Magnus knows there is no way he can go back and change her being a part of his story. Getting her back...he's never been tempted by a relic this much before.

But he has family now. Taako and Merle are his family, the two people he cares about more than anything. Lucretia is his family. Carey is his family. Davenport, and Avi, and Johann, and Angus, and Killian—they are  _all_  family, just as much as Julia and Steven are.

Can he trade away one family for another? If he brings Julia back, he loses everything he's found since then.

Magnus loves Julia. He always will. But he doesn't love her more than he loves Taako and Merle and everyone else. He doesn't place romantic love above any other kind. He wasn't a very romantic person before he fell for her, and he's not now. He's felt bad about that, and he does still every now and then, but he loves who he is and he loves how he loves. He doesn't put a value on love. How can he, when it's all so good?

Julia wouldn't want this. Julia wouldn't want him sacrificing the world for her sake. She wouldn't want him giving up his new family. She wouldn't want him dooming June, not when there was all of Refuge there, ready to take her into their family even now that her father was gone.

Does he live in the past, forever mourning Julia, or does he go forward and do what she would want him to do? That's all he's been striving for since her death, and now given the chance to unwrite it...Even if it would save her, it feels wrong.

So he thinks of Julia—and he chooses the future.

* * *

Sometimes the future fucking sucks.

Like right now, for instance. Magnus and Taako and Merle are beaten, bruised, battered—he's got a fucking severed head in his backpack, for Pan's sake. This is  _far_  from ideal.

And now these two mother _fucking_  liches are making him play a dating game?! Uh,  _no thanks._  He always hated this romantic shit, and when he was with Julia it was good because he was with  _her_. He'd never been in love with anyone before her and he certainly wasn't going to indulge such bullshit now.

He's pissed. Liches be damned, he's not playing this game.

Then he catches Taako's eye and he blinks—and the world around him changes. It's enough to almost knock him off balance: he sees thick black smoke everywhere. He sees creepy mannequins filling the audience, their faces blank and empty. He sees the elves in their true forms, black-cloaked and evil.

And he sees the Red Robe. His... Magnus doesn't know. Are they friends? Former compatriots? Hell, the Red Robe could say they were family and Magnus would believe it. He has no reason to trust what Lucretia's told him.

The Red Robe puts a skeletal finger to his skull's eternal grin, and Magnus trusts him. It's easier than he expects.

* * *

He can't focus. It's hard enough to control his new wooden body— _why did dying feel so familiar_ —even with Refuge it was like he expected to wake up in his red robes again—

Magnus is remembering. It's fragments, and there's something about being half-dead, half-living that makes it hard to hold onto his thoughts. He doesn't know much. He doesn't trust much. But he trusts the Red Robe, because he's a Red Robe too.

* * *

It kills him to watch Carey crumple into Killian's arms when she thinks he's dead. It kills him to see the crushing grief on Lucretia's face, the  _guilt_ —he's died and he's not coming back, not this time—

It kills him to be unable to save Johann. It kills him to be killed by the Hunger. It kills him...

Until it doesn't anymore, and he's alive again. And he can't even remember that he can't remember who he really is.

* * *

He bursts into the Director's chambers and Barry Bluejeans is shoving a vial into his hands and he  _trusts Barry_  because why would he not—

And. He looks at Lucretia, who's got indescribable grief and guilt and joy in her eyes. And. And. And—for real this time, and for good—and Magnus remembers everything, but most of all the  _love._

* * *

**Part I**

Magnus Burnsides leans on the deck of the Starblaster, watching the stars dance in the clear night sky. Literally. He doesn't understand how the physics works in this plane, but those stars move at a breakneck pace, colliding and exploding into supernovas a billion light-years away. At least, that's how he would have thought it back home. Light-years don't make sense here.

He continues to stare as Lucretia walks up to join him. He waves to her, but doesn't take his eyes off the sky.

"Stargazing?" Lucretia inquires.

"Sorta," he says. "I'm trying to figure out how any of this is possible." He waves a hand at the sky vaguely.

She sighs. "I can relate to that."

"Mm." Magnus doesn't have much to say, not tonight. He's tired this cycle, more than he usually is.

"I know you mean the astrophysics," Lucretia says, "but it's—"

"Everything," he agrees. "This plane gives me bad vibes."

"There's—" Lucretia scowls. "It's like there's something in the air, driving everyone else wild."

"I don't wanna talk about it," Magnus grumbles. It's ridiculous, the way everyone's acting. That is, everyone but him and Lucretia. He doesn't want to dwell on it, not in his free time, but it's hard not to.

"Sorry," Lucretia murmurs.

Magnus keeps staring upward, brooding. Things had been fine earlier in the cycle, but this past month has been... _weird._

Everyone knows Barry and Lup are head over heels for each other, but they're pining here in ways that are physically painful for Magnus to watch. He'd caught the ugly end of one of Lup's spells the other day when he dared suggest she focus on finding the Light instead of moping about her crush. That in itself is unusual—she's rarely so unprofessional when it comes down to crunch time like it is now.

Barry is even worse; he's locked himself in his room, claiming that he's triangulating or some shit, but Magnus keeps hearing music coming from his door, and he's no expert, but that doesn't make sense. If this were a one-time occurrence, Magnus wouldn't think much of it, but Barry's barely talked to anyone this past month.

And Taako! He's been jumping ship every other night, hooking up with local dudes. Again, normally this wouldn't be a problem, but it wasn't just him, and it wasn't  _like_ him to be so disinterested in their work.

Merle and Davenport aren't as obvious, but Lucretia had confided to Magnus that she'd helped Davenport write a love poem earlier that week. Magnus hasn't heard much from Merle other than the occasional flowery metaphor, but he doesn't want to know what the darker recesses of that dwarf's mind contain.

 _Ugh._  If he's gonna dwell on this shit, it's better to do it with someone else. Staying quiet is worse, leaving him alone with his thoughts. "Nevermind." He sighs. "Go ahead, what were you saying?"

"Why are you and I the only ones interested in this?" Lucretia wonders. "The stars, the magic, the romance in the air... Usually everyone would be all over it. Barry and Lup would have come up with a dozen theories, each more lovesick than the last. Davenport would be star-charting frantically. Taako would be reading everyone's palms. Merle would be trying to give us therapy. And why is it just them affected? The locals seem fine."

"Romance in the air," Magnus echoes. "You may be on to something there, Lucy."

"What do you..." But her eyes narrow as she makes a few quick calculations. "Hmmm. Do you think—?"

"Love magic?" he guesses.

"Astrology!" Lucretia snaps her fingers, her eyes lighting up. "A magically powerful sort, not just the superstitious nonsense from back home. The locals aren't affected because this is normal for them; they've adapted to the stars pulling on them. But  _we_ aren't—some stardance must be causing this!"

"Then why are  _we_  fine, you and me?" Magnus asks.

"Well...I'm aroace," Lucretia says slowly. "If the current star-alignments are specifically affecting everyone's  _romantic_  moods, that doesn't mean anything for me."

"But I'm bi," Magnus says, scratching his head, "and unless I have yet to exhibit symptoms, I'm not affected either."

Lucretia looks at him with her head tilted. "I don't want to presume, Magnus," she says delicately, "but when was the last time you had romantic feelings for someone?  _Genuine_ , I mean, not because you felt pressured to."

"Well, it was—" Magnus breaks off, caught off guard. "I mean—" Jeez, had it really been  _that_  long? Or... "Uh, back on our home plane, I guess. There was this girl I went out with for a few months. And it's not like I haven't been attracted to anyone we've met in our travels, because I  _so_  have. Remember Cycle 17, that dude who could turn into a bear?"

"We called you a furry for weeks." Lucretia smiles briefly, before continuing: "That's fair, Magnus, but—and I truly don't want to, um, make you uncomfortable or anything, but... Was that really  _romantic_? Or did you just like hanging out with them, and like them physically?"

"Are you trying to say that I'm aromantic?" Magnus asks, more defensively than he intends.

Lucretia flinches. "I'm just—" She sighs, her shoulders slumping. "I thought, maybe. It would make sense, from my point of view. It might just...be me projecting, though."

"I'm—" He bites back an apology. "I didn't mean to sound mean. It's just, uh. Not something I ever thought about before." The idea is so surprising to him that he has trouble wrapping his head around it, and he does  _not_  relish the idea of being alone forever. Well, not that he'd really be alone, not with his family around him for all eternity. And he knows Lucretia doesn't see it that way, and that it's pretty arophobic to be thinking like that, and honestly it  _would_  explain why he couldn't ever keep a relationship going for too long and why honestly he never felt  _that_  bad about it because sure, he'd find someone eventually, but that was  _eventually_ —

"I'm sorry," Lucretia apologizes. "I didn't mean to offend, I just thought it might explain why neither of us were..."

"Um, uh," Magnus says, distracted from the stars completely. "I think, uh. Well, I don't know, maybe? I'll think about it. But I think the more important thing right now is to find some sort of cure for the rest of these idiots, ask the locals what they do and snap our friends out of it. We've got to find the Light or else the Hunger gets all cheesy on us too."

Lucretia shudders. "The Hunger, being  _romantic_? I don't want to think about what  _that_  would mean." She pulls out one of her journals and starts writing down their new theories. "I'll head down to the nearest city tomorrow and start asking about astrologists, fortune tellers, that sort of thing. See if this hypothesis has any supporting evidence."

"And I guess I'll try to wring some sense out of these idiots." Magnus sighs. "All five of them together are about as useful as one of us, right now, so maybe I'll get  _something_  about the Light's location."

"Good idea," Lucretia agrees, her attention drifting away from him as she continues to scribble in her journal. "I'll try to find a—a cure, or what have you, and you focus on the Light. We've got about a month and a half before the Hunger comes."

"We can do this," Magnus says, more confidently than he feels. And, he thinks to himself, maybe he can figure out if anything Lucretia said about him maybe possibly being aro is a little bit kind of sort of right.

* * *

It's two cycles after what he and Lucretia have dubbed the Astrological Disaster (or Near-Disaster, since they ended up finding the Light at the last possible second, locked away in a sorcerer's vault of treasures), and Magnus finds himself knocking on her door.

"Hey, Maggie," she says, rubbing her eyes. "Is everything okay? It's three in the morning."

"Can I, uh, talk?" he asks awkwardly. He's already regretting this.

"Of course," Lucretia says, welcoming him inside. "What's the problem?"

"It's not a—problem, exactly," Magnus says. He takes a deep breath and spits it out: "How did you know you were...you know. Aroace?"

Lucretia blinks. "Well, I figured it out fairly young, in grade school. I was always at the head of my class, and for awhile I thought the reason I wasn't having crushes like my peers were was because I was simply too logical for that." She snorts. "But I had a friend who was ace, and she told me what that meant and I pieced things together from there. The aro part came a bit later, but yeah." She tilted her head. "Why do you ask?"

Magnus bites his lip. "I've been thinking about what you said, back during the Astrological Disaster," he admits, "and...well, I'm not ace, but I think maybe you were right about me being aro."

"Oh!" Lucretia's eyes light up, and she grins. "Well, that's wonderful!"

Magnus laughs, and he smiles too. It's the first time that realization has really made him  _happy_. He was so worried about his future, being lonely, that he'd been so wrong about his past relationships... But Lucretia is here, and she's happy. So is the rest of his family. And...that means  _he_  can be happy, too.

"Yeah," he agrees. "Yeah, it is pretty great."

* * *

Magnus doesn't make a big deal about coming out. Adding aromantic to being trans and bi and who knows what else isn't a shock or something to dwell on, at least not as far as anyone else is concerned. Besides, everyone on the ship is some flavor of queer, and they already know about Lucretia being aro, so there isn't even anything to explain. He mentions it off-hand one night at dinner, and Taako blinks and says, "Is that new?"

"Sorta," he says with a shrug. "I kind of figured it out recently. Makes a lot of sense in retrospect. Cretia definitely helped."

"Cool," Taako says, and that's that.

* * *

It takes a bit, especially with all the hectic stuff the crew has to deal with day to day, but Magnus learns to love being aro. He adds that to his pride, and his life is all the better. A lot of the shit that comes with being aro is societal baggage, but he doesn't have to deal with that often—not on the Starblaster.

Magnus was already pretty close to Lucretia, with them being about the same age and both humans, but this makes them even better friends. Or no, that's not quite right. Siblings?

"That doesn't really capture it, either," Lucretia agrees. They're lying on the grass of a mostly-empty planet, stargazing. (Thankfully, these stars move at a normal pace.) "You all are my family, of course, but it's not like the family I had back home."

"Yeah. I mean, Taako and Lup are siblings, duh," Magnus says, "and I'm not their brother. Plus, that would be weird with Barry and Lup."

"Merle and Davenport are too old to be even sort of like our siblings," Lucretia giggles. "And—well maybe the captain is sort of our dad, but he's also our boss, and also I feel like we know  _way_  too many things about Merle's sex life for him to be anything other than a weird uncle."

"They didn't make words for this kind of a family," Magnus realizes.

"I can try my hand, if you want," Lucretia offers with a smirk. Then she grows quiet. "You know, there is a word for a relationship that's not romantic and not familial but also not quite...platonic."

"Huh?" Magnus asks, rolling over to stare at her.

"It's an aro word, actually," she says, turning to face him. "Queerplatonic."

"Huh!" Magnus tries the word out: "Queerplatonic. Neat."

"People use it differently in different contexts," Lucretia explains. "But it's. I don't know. It's not something I ever thought I'd relate to, but maybe it would fit this context. At least, between me and you." She sounds hesitant, almost...frightened. Like she thinks he'll shoot her down or laugh.

He doesn't do either of those things. "I like it." Magnus snuggles closer to her. "Suits us. We're queer, and family, and friends, and all of the above. Dunno if it fits like, how we relate to Taako and Lup and Barry and all them, 'specially since it's an aro word, but I think it's good for us."

She smiles, radiant. Magnus is overcome with love for her, for all of them.

"I love being aro," he says shyly, like it's a secret he's embarrassed to admit. "I used to be afraid of it, but like—what the hell is there to be afraid of? I've got you and everyone for _ever_. Literally."

"Me too," Lucretia confides. "I thought I'd never be happy because I'd never find my soulmate. But that is bullshit. I've got something  _way_  better." She leans her head into Magnus's chest. "I've got you."

* * *

It's late in the century, and they can all feel things coming to a close. Tensions are running high, and Lucretia in particular is on edge. Even Magnus feels a little alienated from her.

He catches her as she tries to slip away early from dinner. She sighs as he blocks the door to her room, his arms folded.

"What is it, Magnus?" she says, and he can hear how fucking tired she is. They all are, but it weighs on her so heavy. Especially now after they'd all voted against her plan to stop the Hunger.

"Are you okay?" he asks. "You've been—distant."

Lucretia scowls, and there's a hardness in her eyes that Magnus doesn't remember being there twenty cycles ago. "No, I am not fucking okay," she snaps. "This is Cycle 98. We've been out here for nearly a  _century_ , fighting the Hunger, and it's gotten to me. And you all—we're going to kill the plane we stop at, Magnus." Her voice shakes. "That isn't who we are. That isn't who  _I_  am. This journey, if it's taught me one thing, it's  _who I am_ , and I'm not—I don't want to violate that! If you, if  _Lup_  can't see it—if she can't see that we're going to  _destroy_  everything—"

"We might not," Magnus points out, overwhelmed by her torrent of frustration. "It—it might work out!"

Her shoulders sag, and the energy leaves her. She bows her head. "I wish I believed that," she whispered.

Magnus wrapped his arms around her, and after a moment, Lucretia hugs him back.

"I don't want to lose myself," she says through tears. "I don't want to lose  _you_."

"You won't," Magnus promises. "This journey taught all of us who we are. Hell, I didn't even know I was aro before this. You know Lup and the rest—we aren't making this decision lightly."

"It feels  _wrong_ ," Lucretia mumbles into his shoulder.

"We've got a backup plan," Magnus reminds her. "And no matter what, we'll be with you. I love you, Creesh. We all love you."

Lucretia holds him tighter. This time, she doesn't say it back.

* * *

Everyone feels Lup's absence constantly, Taako and Barry most of all, but  _everyone_  feels her gone like there's a hole in their hearts. Magnus keeps expecting to see her walk around the corner— Keeps seeing her in Taako's silhouette— Keeps saying her name at dinner and expecting her to answer—

They all respond to it differently. Barry and Taako are always searching, while Merle opts to keep a watch in case she comes back, and Davenport takes over her duties on board. Magnus helps out as best he can with everything, but he spends a lot of time trying to keep everyone's spirits up. In truth, this is the worst he's felt in years. They don't know if Lup is coming back. And if this is the last cycle...

Lucretia takes it hard. She's locked herself away in her room, writing, writing, always writing. Magnus takes her food, makes her take breaks to walk about the deck and look at the stars like they used to when things weren't so bad. He's always checking in on her, and he can tell she appreciates it, but every day she drifts a little further away. She doesn't stay focused on anything other than her work—it's like she's distancing herself from everyone.

So Magnus carves her a duck. He makes it look like her, as best he can, and hopes it will bring her a smile.

It starts as he opens the door to her quarters. It's a buzzing sound, almost, a static in the back of his mind, a feeling of vague uncertainty, like he couldn't quite remember why he'd come here. And then he sees her—and the fish—and a journal...

He...starts to forget. He looks at her, and her face... It's familiar, but not too familiar. He should know her—he  _does_  know her—

But the look on her face is unmistakable. It's guilt, and horror, and regret, and dismay, and...

"God, Magnus, no!" she cries, rushing toward him. "You weren't supposed to see this, I'm so sorry, Magnus!"

The duck drops from his hands. It's fading quicker now, and in some dark recess of his mind he understands what she's done—until that's gone too. Her expression shifts: it's grief, and despair, and loss, and fear, and...

"What are you do—what?" he mumbles. He's scrambling for something to hold onto in the shifting miasma of his thoughts, but everything is slipping through his fingers. So he stares, he stares into her face, and he sees anguish, and concern, and confusion, and disbelief, and...

"Magnus, please," she begs, but he doesn't know why. "This is just for a little bit, I'm gonna stop this, what we've done to this world." She goes on and on about happiness, and how it's gonna be a little while, and something about memories. He doesn't understand what she's talking about.

And he watches her face, and he loses all sense of recognition. He doesn't know where he is, doesn't know why he's here, doesn't know—

"Who are you?" he wonders, dazed. He's trying to remember where he's seen her, what she'd said to him, how they were connected, but it's leaving him. And her  _face_...it shows pain, and heartbreak, and hopelessness, and desperation, and...

He knew who this was, once. She was his coworker, his friend, his family, his queerplatonic partner, the shy girl who became a woman of iron and steel in her long and lonely year. She helped him realize he was aromantic, and that he was whole. She'd curled up him with him on sleepless nights and told him stories. She was everything to him, and a piece of his heart, just like the rest of...who?

"I can do this, Magnus, please," she promises. His knees begin to buckle, but he keeps his slowly-closing eyes on her face as she continues, begs him to lie down. She's full of certainty, and strength, and belief, and awful mourning, and...

How does she know his name?

She's... She's... Her face is... There's sadness. And resolution. And...

"I love you, Magnus," she repeats, over and over again as he loses consciousness. "I love you, I love all of you, I'm sorry, I love you..."

And love.

* * *

**Part III**

Magnus Burnsides knows who he is. He's a fighter, a rogue, a Ruff Boi, a friend, a family member, a husband, a queerplatonic partner, a hero, a man, a protector. He's traveled a hundred planes and died thirty-two times, which is what his age would be if he hadn't lived a century in his twenties.

Magnus knows who he is, and he's  _never_  forgetting anything about himself again.

* * *

After the Story and Song— He can hardly believe there  _is_  an after. But there is, and they won, and he's found himself and he has his family again, and then some.

But he's still missing something. He's still missing some _one_.

After it's all over and things have started to settle down, Magnus gets some time to think. He's got a lot to think about, considering there's twelve years of his life to look back on with an entirely new context of the hundred years that came before it.

Mostly, things fall back into place. Of course he'd been a wandering soul—he'd spent a century traveling the planar systems. Of course he had come to love Taako and Merle and Lucretia and Barry so easily—they never stopped being his family even when he couldn't remember them. Of course he'd known how to carve ducks before anything else—it was the skill he'd learned in Legato, the one he'd kept up for Fisher's sake.

But one thing stands out in particular, one huge anomaly he can't explain: Magnus is aromantic. He'd come to terms with that a long time ago, and even Lucretia erasing his memory of claiming that label couldn't erase his identity...right?

If that's true, what had happened with Julia? Magnus is sure he was in love with her. No, he  _is_  in love with her, and he always will be. Now he understands  _exactly_  what Julia meant to him: she is the one and only person he'd ever loved romantically. For all the good romance did him—but no, even the bitterest parts of his aro heart can't begrudge the light and joy that was his wife.

So had he been wrong all along? Is he testament to the dismissive falsehood "You just haven't found the right person yet" being, in fact, true?

What does Lucretia mean to him now? She'd been his family, his partner. They'd had a name for their bond and everything. He still loves her. It's not in his nature to hold a grudge; it never has been. There isn't one person—not even John—that he can't forgive, given time. It's something Merle taught him.

Magnus understands why Taako can't forgive her. He'd lost so much, but nothing can compare to the pain of Taako losing Lup. Magnus understands, but he forgives Lucretia anyway. There is only one thing holding him back, ever so slightly.

It's a couple years later when he finally asks her. He's had a lot of time to think, and a lot of time to come to terms with himself and his identity. He's settled on demiromantic, a way of honoring his love for Julia but still taking pride in his aromanticism. That's a part of him that's never going away.

The tense, horrid fear of being alone in life after Julia's death is gone: he never  _needed_  romance. Having Julia was incredible, and he looks forward to being with her again whenever his time comes, but his love for her is something extra. Something wonderful, something amazing, but not something that's good for the sake of being romantic. She's his exception, she's the only one he's ever loved like that; she's the best part of his life because she's  _Julia_ , not because their love was romantic.

He mentions his new label to Lucretia, while they're on the subject. He doesn't go into all the details, but he can see the guilt in her eyes and he knows why.

"Creesh, it's okay," he says. He doesn't say it's not her fault—because it is—but how can he begrudge her letting him fall for Julia? "Look. I know I'm arospec, and you took that from me for twelve years. But that let me find Julia. I'm never going to be upset about that."

He pauses, and he asks because he  _has_  to know: "I  _am_  curious, though. Why—" His throat clenches up a bit, and he coughs. Having his identity torn from him was traumatic, even if it allowed for some good things, too. "Why did you erase me being aro? You let me keep being trans and bi, and Taako being gay, and Merle being pan."

She doesn't look him in the eye as she answers. "I didn't know," she admits. "I swear, Magnus, if I had, I never would've done it. You can't imagine how awful I felt when I learned you'd gotten married. I'm glad it was the right thing for you, of course, but I didn't know then that you truly did have romantic love for her. I thought you were forcing yourself into a relationship because you didn't know better. That kept me up at night."

She sniffs, fighting back tears, and Magnus puts an arm around her.

"I knew I had done what I needed to do, but I never stopped feeling guilty," Lucretia continues. "I was  _so careful_. I erased only what I needed to, and I kept as much of your lives together as possible. It was horrible, taking Lup from Taako, even if it would free him from knowing his pain. It was horrible, taking  _everything_  from Davenport...that was a side effect so strong I couldn't— He'd kept a few things, other than his name. But seeing him so broken down, I took even more. When he didn't have anything else to cling to, he seemed...happier. It was...awful. But I didn't want him—or any of you—to suffer anymore."

 _And yet_ you  _suffered,_  Magnus thinks,  _and you suffered alone when you didn't have to._  He doesn't say the words aloud. She knows that, and saying it again wouldn't make anything better.

She lets out a watery chuckle. "I was so careful with Merle! I let him keep his plant fetish. I can't believe I made the conscious effort to leave that out from what got erased, but I overlooked you being aro. Magnus, I'm so sorry. It was too—your questioning process for that, it was too caught up with me, too caught up in the Century. When I took myself out of your memory...I took that too."

"Well—" Magnus has a hard time finding the right words. He can't say it doesn't hurt, even still. But he can't blame her, either, not more than he's already forgiven her for. "Well, what's done is done, Lucy. I know myself better now. I was demi all along, right? You just gave me the chance to find that out."

Lucretia looks at him, and the old love is back. She smiles, wiping away a tear. "You always manage to find the good in everything, Maggie."

He melts. He hasn't been called that in so long. Julia never used that particular nickname—she preferred "Mags" to match her "Jules". Merle used it every now and again, but hearing Lucretia say it... He can't help himself. He holds her tight, the way he used to when there wasn't so much angst between them.

"I love you, Cretia," he mumbles into her curls.

"I can't believe you still do," she whispers.

"We've talked about this." Magnus steps back a bit, holding onto her shoulders and looking down at her sternly. "I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you—"

Lucretia giggles, and then laughs, and then guffaws until she's crying and falling all over him. He's laughing too, and for a moment the light, happy feeling of love is all inside him again without any other emotion to drag him down.

"I love you too," Lucretia says breathlessly through her laughter. "You still mean—" She hiccups, a grin across her aging face. (She's developing laugh lines. Magnus is determined to make sure those are her most prominent wrinkles, given time.) "You're still my family, Maggie. My world."

"Things are different, but they're still the same," he agrees, growing somber for a moment. "Are we still queerplatonic, then? I've been wondering about that for so long."

"But Julia..." She frowns, and he tickles her 'til she laughs again.

"Julia would  _love_  you," Magnus assures her. "I'm a man built for love! She knows that. You'll meet her someday, in the Astral Plane. Lup and Barry love her, and there's no way they won't bend the rules for all of us to have tea together sometime."

"Then yes, of course." Lucretia's got that shy, sappy smile on her face that he misses so much. "You need to put those hugging arms to good use while you're still in this plane."

Magnus wraps himself around her and squeezes her tight. "With you and Carey and the rest of the crew and Angus—"  _Gods,_  Julia would love Angus, he's just the kind of kid she'd adore— "I won't be wanting for hugs anytime soon."

What he said earlier was true. He's built for a lot of things, and he's a man of many skills. But there's one thing he values over all, and being arospec only makes it better. He's built for battle, and adventure, and carpentry, and dog training, and—most of all—for love.

* * *

**bonus: part iv**

Teatime is lovely. Even Klargg made it. Half of Magnus's family is dead, and half living, but when the living ones are either Reapers or dating one (sometimes both), rules get bent and broken. The Raven Queen doesn't mind turning a blind eye for her favorites and their family, especially when they're the Seven Birds of the Story and Song.

Carey is there, Killian at her side. They've been residing in the guest wing of the Burnsides' ghost cottage ever since they passed on a few years back. They're still in love just like it was their wedding day. Magnus is overjoyed that his best friend and his wife get along so well. Sometimes Carey and Julia will go off hunting minor demons in the graveyards behind the cottage while he and Killian relax back at home.

Right now, Killian and Carey are catching up with Noelle, who's been working as the Raven Queen's secretary and has better gossip than even the Reapers. "We've got a double date with Boyland and a few of his husbands and wives after this," Killian is telling her, "though I guess it's not really  _double_  if Boyland's bringing more than one spouse."

Taako and Kravitz are there, too. Kravitz popped the question earlier that day, and Taako can't keep his hands off his fiance. It took them long enough, but with the amount of time they've got, Magnus can't blame them for waiting.

Klargg's been dead for years, but he's on vacation from the sea of souls for this special day. He's chatting enthusiastically with Angus (a grown man now! Magnus had cried when the kid had come out to him as aro at age fifteen; now as an adult, single and happy about it, Angus had become a partner at Taako's Amazing School of Magic).

Lup and Barry are berating Merle for his weird boner for the Hunger (sorry,  _John_ ), and Merle is just as unapologetic as ever. He's on his last legs—he was up there in years when he joined the Starblaster crew and he's only gotten older—and Magnus has noticed him eyeing Carey and Killian's room, as if he's looking to move in too. It won't be long, but the prospect of death doesn't mean much to a dwarf who's died as many times as Merle has and has friends like he does.

Rough and tumble Mookie is wrestling with his nieces on the floor. Mavis and June, the kids' moms, watch over them carefully, but they're engaged in conversation with Julia. Magnus was never more certain that he'd chosen right in Refuge all those years ago: his own Relic couldn't sway him when a kid's life was in balance. Julia loved June, and Magnus was so glad that she'd joined the family officially when she married Mavis.

Davenport is asleep, snoring loudly on the couch with a book open in his lap. One of Kravitz and Taako's skeletal cats has made a bed in his hair; he's in for a surprise when he wakes up.

Johann the dog is eating treats out of his namesake's hand; Avi's in the kitchen getting more. Some more cats are teasing Magnus's other dogs, batting their noses and running away when the dogs give chase.

Hurley and Sloane couldn't make it—they're back in Goldcliff running another race. Plus, they're a bit worried that the Raven Queen would notice they've been dead for years, though since Pan had obviously taken an interest in them, Magnus doubts there would be any trouble. Still, a part of Sloane still gets a thrill from breaking rules, so he doesn't begrudge her the facade of sneaking around behind a goddess's back.

Magnus sits there, curled up with Lucretia. She'd died only a year after he had, and has stayed with him and Julia ever since. Sometimes she even shares their bed. She and Taako can have a civil conversation now, though things will never be perfect between them; today, after getting engaged, Taako is too happy to even side-eye her when she congratulates him and Kravitz.

Magnus had a fantastic life. He did impossible things, solved improbable problems, and loved so much his heart could burst. Now that he's dead, that's not a problem anymore, and his love is uninhibited by even metaphors.

He smiles adoringly at his wife, who catches his eye and winks. His gaze wanders around the living room of his ghostly cottage, and he takes in the beautiful sight of nearly everyone he loves getting along, having the time of their lives (and deaths).

He feels Lucretia shift in his arms, snuggling deeper into his embrace. He's so glad he's here, now, with her and with everyone else. Being arospec lets him love in a way that most people have trouble wrapping their heads and hearts around, and that aspect of him was unlocked in part thanks to Lucretia.

Magnus can't put a name to all the bonds he's made of—because that's what keeps a spirit strong here in the Astral Plane, their bonds. He's got so many, forged in endless planes, that they'd blind him if he could see the glowing threads.

Magnus had a fantastic life. But his death? His death is even better. Because in death he's got everything he could ever want: family, and friends, and joy, and home...and love.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and COMMENTING!  
> You can find me on tumblr [@arofili](http://arofili.tumblr.com/) or on my TAZ sideblog [@aroburnsides](http://aroburnsides.tumblr.com/)!


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